I am working on my 5th children’s book. It is about the death of a loved one: Kevin learns how to accept the inevitable loss of his grandmother. I am inspired to address this topic because of personal losses I’ve experienced in the past few years as well as seeing my students (ages 10-13) grieve the deaths of mothers, fathers, and other family members.
Kismet 
Here’s how I started a recent funeral service. A ten-year-old had just lost his father to suicide. (Yes, I did ask for, and received an ok from the boy, to speak to him directly, even though everyone present heard what I said…)
I would like to offer my condolences to X’s family and friends. And (boy’s name) I’d kinda like to speak to you for a moment if that’s alright.
My name is Howard. some people call me Rabbi, which simply means teacher. Like your classroom teachers, I would like to share some things I have learned. I would say most people have lots of questions at the time of a loved one’s death. And I don’t necessarily have the answers. But I do know we all experience loss differently. And it is important for us not to take any responsibility for someone else’s actions. Our only responsibility is to live life as fully as we possibly can and know we have a wonderful network of family and friends to supporting us.
We need to take care of ourselves. For example, I didn’t feel like having lunch today. But I knew by doing so, it would give me strength.
And as a teacher, I am here at the front of the room in case there is anyone here who hasn’t been to a Jewish funeral before, or perhaps it’s been decades and you’re feeling lost and not sure what to do. Please know, that is totally fine. You can’t make any mistakes, you won’t do anything quote “wrong” as I am here as your guide.
So now, I would like to offer this prayer for everyone here this afternoon:
I hope you come to understand you have the strength to proceed through these uncharted times.
And accept the truth that it was nothing you did nothing you said made you in any way responsible for X’s death.
May you feel the love and support surrounding you which will help you live your new normal. May it not be too long for you to start understanding and then believing you will get through this confusing time which now feels wrong in every way.
May you be patient with yourself as well as with others. We each grieve at our own pace, in our own way. May you be willing to draw back the drapes and let the light in to illuminate the unknowable path ahead.
Honor your feelings, even anger, but do not hide in them.
When you are ready, may you stand strong, being courageous to focus on memories of life with your dad, your son, your brother, your friend, and not dwell on the hole his absence leaves.
We pray X’s soul is now bound in GD’s care, that he is once again whole, restored to good health and well-being.
May your hearts be refilled and restored. May you live life compassionately, thereby being a blessing in this world as X’s memory will be a blessing.
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I love your reverent and intimate way of handling this, Howard. The part about not hiding in one’s reaction and not allowing oneself to dwell on the hole absence leaves is definitely something everyone needs to hear.
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Can’t wait to read it! 👏🏼🤗
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