divorce

Why Do People Cheat? Tony Robbins and Esther Perel #2*

 

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Photo by Paz Arando

 

More information from Tony Robbins’ podcast with Esther Perel on Infidelity:

  • Infidelity is #1 reason for divorce in France, but not just because of cheating, but because the cheated believes their partner “fell in love with someone else.”
  • Perel asks her cheating clients if they suffered a loss recently, such as the death of a loved one. Sometimes people try to fill that loss. It has nothing to do with their partner.
  • People often do what they are allowed to do.
    • That’s worth repeating:  People often do what they are ALLOWED to do!
  • If you find messages between your spouse and his/her lover, do not read all the messages. You will not be able to get them out of your head.
  • Some questions to ask when you find out your partner cheated:
    • How did this happen? Were you being safe? Why did this happen? Is there another child? Do I know this person? Is this person likely to come after us?
  • Don’t ever make decisions based on the affair. Do not think your entire life is destroyed. You will need a good therapist who can help you contain the situation in the first month or two.
  • What should people DO in this situation?
    • Change your story, change your life.
  • Is there any good in staying and working it out?
    • You need to ask yourself if you’ve given what the other needs.
    • We are willing to work really hard in business, in our work, but we expect our marriage to be easy.
    • Show up. Do the right thing, even if it’s hard. No one who does the right thing ever regrets it.
    • Stop being a pleaser.
    • Ask for what you want.
    • What if the worst day of your life became the best day of your life? (This is a Tony-ism)
    • What can we learn from this? What did we neglect? What were we complacent about?
    • You can’t change your partner. You can only change yourself.
    • Ask questions that will reveal information about your partner. Don’t ask sordid questions.
    • If you made mistakes in this relationship and you choose to move on, you will repeat your mistakes.
    • Your partner never belongs to you. We all have the option to renew.

If you want to purchase Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs, you can go here. 

Hey, Jealousy!

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by Ivan Cabanas

Ahhhh! Love!

Love can be destroyed by jealousy.

 

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This is a mugshot of a man who was convicted for domestic abuse. You might say the signs were obvious from the beginning. But aren’t they always there in the beginning…  the temper, the irrational questioning, the possessive demeanor?

In the past week, several women in my life have told me their stories. It seemed like a sign to share it on my blog.

It starts with a whirlwind affair: the romance and attention. His questions and constant hovering are flattering. He really loves me!

I know far too many women who have dated and/or married such men. These women are smart, loving, and highly educated. It goes both ways, women do this to men, too.

Why do the perpetrators do this? Because (in most cases), they lack self-esteem. No one can give them self-esteem, which means that it’s not going to get better until they work on their self-confidence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But the suspicious questions and constant angry surveillance take a toll:  paranoia, insecurity, resentment and finally, anger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Search for Sacrament

She adorned herself with auroral acquisitions

brooding to be the best bauble

disguising her diffidence

with an utter lack of resistance

 

Presented with provocation

she balanced the benefits of the bestowal band

affronts, abuse and anger were abysmal

but the lust for love

 

conquered her competence

 

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My Illustrator is busy with school and violin. I’m teaching myself to draw. Be kind.