psychotherapy

Why Do People Cheat? Tony Robbins and Esther Perel #2*

 

paz-arando-132661.jpg
Photo by Paz Arando

 

More information from Tony Robbins’ podcast with Esther Perel on Infidelity:

  • Infidelity is #1 reason for divorce in France, but not just because of cheating, but because the cheated believes their partner “fell in love with someone else.”
  • Perel asks her cheating clients if they suffered a loss recently, such as the death of a loved one. Sometimes people try to fill that loss. It has nothing to do with their partner.
  • People often do what they are allowed to do.
    • That’s worth repeating:  People often do what they are ALLOWED to do!
  • If you find messages between your spouse and his/her lover, do not read all the messages. You will not be able to get them out of your head.
  • Some questions to ask when you find out your partner cheated:
    • How did this happen? Were you being safe? Why did this happen? Is there another child? Do I know this person? Is this person likely to come after us?
  • Don’t ever make decisions based on the affair. Do not think your entire life is destroyed. You will need a good therapist who can help you contain the situation in the first month or two.
  • What should people DO in this situation?
    • Change your story, change your life.
  • Is there any good in staying and working it out?
    • You need to ask yourself if you’ve given what the other needs.
    • We are willing to work really hard in business, in our work, but we expect our marriage to be easy.
    • Show up. Do the right thing, even if it’s hard. No one who does the right thing ever regrets it.
    • Stop being a pleaser.
    • Ask for what you want.
    • What if the worst day of your life became the best day of your life? (This is a Tony-ism)
    • What can we learn from this? What did we neglect? What were we complacent about?
    • You can’t change your partner. You can only change yourself.
    • Ask questions that will reveal information about your partner. Don’t ask sordid questions.
    • If you made mistakes in this relationship and you choose to move on, you will repeat your mistakes.
    • Your partner never belongs to you. We all have the option to renew.

If you want to purchase Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs, you can go here. 

Why Do People Cheat? Tony Robbins and Esther Perel #1*

 

jeremy-wong-341300
Photo by Jeremy Wong

 

I’ve been listening to podcasts. Many podcasts. My favorites are Tony Robbins and Optimal Living Daily. Recently, I heard Esther Perel on Tony Robbins and it was mind-blowing! I learned so much.  I’m in a healthy marriage, but I know a lot of people are not. I thought I’d share some interesting tidbits here. Perel, by the way, is a relationship expert. She’s been studying relationships for 35 years. Esther is the daughter of Holocaust survivors. She’s amazing and you can read more about her here.

The following information is from Tony’s podcast with Esther, Part II:

  • It’s our differences that create passion.
  • Triggers for affairs – Two main reasons:
    • feeling neglected, loneliness, sexual frustration, a deadness inside (bad marriages)
    • to feel “alive” – the absence of obligation and burden (good marriages). Not for sex, but for desire and aliveness.
  • People having affairs are not looking for another partner, but a new “self”
  • How to recover from an affair:
    • acknowledge the pain you created with the affair (remorse);
    • prove how much you want to stay – give back the value of your partner;
    • help your partner understand why you did it (a list of hotels is NOT the answer);
    • there can be no shame in staying

 

…to be continued…

 

 

 

*Tony Robbins Podcast October 18, 2017

Why Our Partners Drive Us Mad

 

I like to create my own content, but tonight, I MUST share something with you. If you’re interested in emotional intelligence, you need to see this:

The School of Life

I love this website. There is so much to learn. Who is “The School of Life”?  They’re based in London.There is a psychotherapist on staff and many writers and researchers. They seem to know their stuff. I like their style.

Here is their Vision Statement:

BEING DEDICATED TO EMOTIONAL HEALTH MEANS THE FOLLOWING:

We want people to have better relationships

To be better parents

To be more understanding children

To be less anxious

To be less scared

To be more self-aware

To be more appreciative

To be more forgiving

To be wiser consumers

To be more mature employees, entrepreneurs and leaders

To create businesses that more accurately satisfy the true emotional needs of consumers

To help work to be more meaningful

To be better at resisting certain noxious messages in society around happiness, success and status.

To have a good understanding of one’s place in history and the distinctive challenges of living in modern consumer capitalism, with its Romantic individualistic hedonistic philosophy.

To be more modest about what happiness is possible – and at the same time more hopeful and appreciative day to day.

To be at ease with culture, mining it for what is useful, using it to enhance one’s own life, not to pass an exam: to be consoled and enlightened by culture.

 

 

So check them out. They cover a wide spectrum of topics.