funny

The Personals

 

[This is an ad ghost-written by me, on behalf of my husband].

 

MWM Seeks General Practitioner

You:  Good-looking, fit doctor. Non-smoker. Willing to give tough love. Age between 30 and 49 (I don’t want you dying on me). Friendly, passionate, conversationalist (I like to talk), must be funny. Race unimportant. Favors advice of healthy eating and exercise over pill-popping, per my wife.

 

Me: Hilarious white male. 6′ tall, 200-something-lbs. (will discuss when we meet).  Nonsmoker. Honest. Good-looking. Hobbies include football (watching) and baseball (also watching).  Cookie-addict. Seeking painless weight-loss. Call me.

 

 

A Banner Teen Day

My daughter gave me not one – but TWO – compliments today. Usually, she snottily asks me what happened to my hair, or why am I wearing “those ugly shoes,” or she offers to help me with my very sad eyebrows.

But today, she:

  1. asked to wear one of my shirts to school tomorrow (!) and
  2. asked me why I wear big shorts when I have such nice legs (!)

I know this appearance thing is a phase. I try to not get irked too much when I see her taking her 99th selfie or when she practices her smile and picture poses over and over again. But I worry when I see old men ogling at her at the grocery store. She’s fourteen! I want to scream at them. My friend does scream that at dirty old men who look at her step daughter that way. Maybe we all need to scream it.

Another friend of mine (who has been through numerous miscarriages and a stillbirth), told me she turned to her husband the other day and asked,

“Remember when I just worried about being pretty?”

I exercise every day. I used to workout in order to look good. Now, I do it to FEEL good. Having daughters, I am keenly aware that they are watching me. Telling them that being strong is one thing, but showing them is entirely another.

Sunday Funnies #1

When I was a kid, I used to love reading the Sunday comics. They were in color and I studied each one. This was back in the day when we had news in paper form…right after fire was invented.

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Josie’s creation

 

I’ve decided to make my own “Sunday Funnies”. Here is Sunday Funny #1:

 

Setting: Yesterday morning at the breakfast table

Characters: Josie (14) and Ava (13) and me

Ava: Mom, what is your favorite color?

Josie (answers for me): Green.

(I nod in agreement.)

Ava: What’s your favorite song?

Josie: “Sweet Caroline.”

Me: Duh.

Ava: What is your favorite ethnic cuisine?

Me: That’s hard. I love so many foods…Italian…

Josie: Mmmmm!

Me: Greek…Vietnamese, Korean, Thai….I guess I could say that I love them all. They are all delicious!

Ava: What is your favorite kind of dog? You know, which breed?

Me: (Thinking)…Labrador, pit bull…

Josie: All of them! They are ALL delicious!

Both girls giggle and high five.

Ava: We are so Asian.

 

 

 

 

 

Elections from Kids’ POV

 

Our school just held Student Council officer elections this week. Classes voted yesterday and we identified our winners by the end of the day.

One thing that struck me throughout the week of campaigning was how CLASSY the kids were. These were 12 and 13 year olds. They wanted to be school President, Vice President, Secretary, Historian and Treasurer. Each one made posters (most decorated them themselves) and they were funny and witty.

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NONE called their opponents names. Instead, they focused on the positive: they shared their visions of making our awesome school even better. They wrote speeches. They were nervous wrecks as they recorded them and they did it despite knowing the entire school would see them on the broadcast system. They did it, dreading the fact that by running for office, they left themselves vulnerable to criticism and defeat. I wanted every one of them to win, but of course, that’s not possible. I was excited to announce the winners, but I also dreaded breaking young, hopeful hearts.

The candidates were an eclectic bunch: nerds, athletic nerds, new-to-school kids and popular kids. The popular kids didn’t always win.

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Each candidate focused on giving the student body what they wanted. They promised to listen. They shared personal information  (“I have two sisters  and a dog. I love watching movies and eating ice cream.”) They were so scared, that a few shared how nervous they were giving the speech DURING the speech. One of the candidates sang her entire speech acapella. They read their qualifications and it sounded like a list of Over Achievers Anonymous: Science Fair winners, Eagle Scouts, Straight A students, Star Soccer player, and on and on.

I don’t doubt that most of our American Presidential candidates really want to help America. But I wonder where our election process is going. Billions of dollars are spent on campaigns for an election that has been named “A Race to the Bottom.” Certain candidates have made allusions to gender, sexual body parts and trophy wives. They have mocked each other’s intelligence and looks. They lie and disregard fact-checking.  In my social studies class, I wanted to utilize this year’s election in the classroom by taking candidates’ speeches and having students analyze them. To my dismay, I couldn’t do that (in a bipartisan platform, anyway). Must of what was bantered about was X-rated!

As I spoke to the candidates, I expressed how extremely proud of them I was and how I wished that adults could handle their campaigns in the same smart and mature way. They smiled. They knew what I meant.

I really hope that our young students grow up and remain full of enthusiasm and integrity. I have faith that they will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let the Kid Speak

I don’t have much to say these days. So I’ll let my daughter Ava have a few words. She’s been wanting to type her own story these days, while I give her sister Josie violin help. Next week, Josie’s story….Here’s Ava in her own words:

I am 6 years old. The date is 2009. I am in 1 grade. My teacher is Mrs. Jurkowski . who is your techer. My name is Ava. What is your name. I have many friends, their names are Brenna Sidney Sam Abagail Katie and that’s all. You guys can read a lot . I can play the violin. Can you. My birthday is May 23. When is yours. I have 1 sister her name is Josephine she is 7 years old. I was born in 2003. What year were you born in. I don’t know I only know min I don’t even who you are . you don’t know me do you?

This story I spechel. That’s 1 of my seckrets. What is your secret? I don’t know. I aspechily don’t know your secret. How meny people are in your family? I have a lepord geico at home Im at home now typing where are you? I like to make storys. My mom is making a story I think its called… I Do not know acsacly what it is called.
All I know is that shes making a story. And im in it! I am so eksided. I think im going to be great. Don’t you? Well I do … and im going to be a little girl my name is going to be Anna. Well you like it? Hope so. I want to ask you something do you like getting your face painted?

Today is Thursday. Today my grandmother will come. Do you like when your grandmother is coming? And she will go thrik or threeting. I am going to be a salit shaker. And Josie is going to be a pepper shaker. We are making our cotooms! Are you? I like making my costoom. What will you be? When my dad comes home he will bring my grandmother! I am SO happy! I havet seen my grandmother sins montes. All righ my dad is going to be heer eny second now wait wait. Oh darn there not heer I new I never hrde the grath door opning. Whith I thot but no. Sigh you know whishes never come ture. I wish I hadet said that. Darn my magic dint work. I new it hey now I know 2 tinings yay im lerning! I know lots of things! Now need ennything now?

Yesterday was Haloween. I got lots of candy. And yummy candy. Bursept the butterfinger. I don’t like butterfinger. Do you? Well I don’t. Allright back to the candy. Wait a minet I LOVE candy right so dose that mean I can have 1 just 1. Pleas!!!!!!! Il give you $500 so do I get my candy? Hope so and I mean it! Eeee ichy! Scrach my back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh ichy! Just kidding! That’s how I joke people! HAha so funny. Im not even lafing are you? I bet you arnt I bet you $500 for that one.