Stuck?
Are you writing? Acting? Creating? Working?
What you are producing is coming through you. It’s not of you.
Leave your ego out of it.
Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Let it come through. Have fun with it.
Wednesday Wisdom
love
19 Years
June 28, 1997 – We get married! After a 2 ½ year courtship.
The first year of marriage is traditionally themed “Paper” and this is quite apropos as we work to zero your credit card debt. Most of our income goes to MasterCard and Visa.
In what will become the beginning of a pattern, you help me recover from adversity. I am in a car accident right before the wedding which requires orthoscopic ACL reattachment of my left knee, but you are there for me.
Year 2 = Cotton – 1998 – We walk to the corner market, cook dinner, dance and love life. Cotton symbolizes the intertwining and flexibility a couple has for each other. We learn to give and bend.
2000 – Buy our first house on Mt. Vernon. It has the original electrical from the 1920’s. I can’t toast bread and dry my hair at the same time, but it’s ours, all ours!
Theme: Fruits and Flowers 2001 – Four years of marital bliss! We take our first trip to Italy together to celebrate John’s 40th. [We drink lots of delicious “grape juice” and take in all the gorgeous flowers of Italy.]
2002 – Our beloved Josephine Choonja Wipff is born! Traditional Theme: Wood – Like the deep roots of an old oak tree. We are a strong family.
2003 – Ava Oksoon Wipff is born! Traditional Theme: Candy. Our life is definitely sweet.
2006 – moved to AZ, against your wishes. If a marriage has ups and downs, this is our “down.” But we get through it. Theme: Pottery and Willow – Our marriage continues to be the product of our choices and experiences, fired in the “oven of adversity.”
2007 – The girls begin violin lessons with Mrs. Lia Taylor, violin teacher extraordinaire. It’s the beginning of a beautiful relationship. You are starting to like – maybe love? – Arizona’s deserts, natural beauty and space.
2010 – I am diagnosed with breast cancer. We are scared. But we weigh the options. I want the cancer OUT! So I opt for a radical bilateral mastectomy. 13 years of marriage and the theme is lace – beautiful, yet strong.
2011 – Ivory – represents fidelity and purity. We have a good taste of the part “for worse” in a marriage by now. And we stick together, help each other through job layoffs and my six surgeries for breast reconstruction. I cry tears of joy (yes, joy!) as I drive to a class to complete my Master’s degree with drains hanging from my chest, under my shirt. I know I am so fortunate to have you…..the girls…this life.
2014 – Furniture is the is the theme for the 17th year of marriage. Hm. Furniture? We have plenty. We both have the uncanny talent for choosing furniture that is too large for our house.
2015 – Porcelain can be simple or complex. We are decidedly simple. Wrinkles and gray hair are starting to form…our memories are starting to fade. Fortunately, when you say, “Oh, there’s that actress…you know…from that one movie….with that one guy….” I look at the screen and and I completely understand you. See? We no longer need words.
2016 – Our 19th, baby! Bronze. We shall patina beautifully, my love.
Sunday Funnies #2 – Father’s Day Edition
The Setting: San Francisco, Mt. Vernon Street
Me: Stay-at-home mom to two young babies, both in diapers. I keep a vigilant eye on the girls, change them as soon as they soil their diapers. Feed them healthy food and push them on swings in the park.
You: Your usual goofy self – the “Mayor” of our street; very sociable. Your impressions of famous people make everyone laugh.
By the time you get home from work, I’m in serious need of “me” time. You swoop Ava under your arm, carrying her like a football. Josie walks under your feet and so does Maggie our Labrador. With your one free hand, you carry a cabernet and say, “Bye honey, relax. Enjoy some solitude. I love you.” You and the family are out the door, to visit the “Different Boys” – a group of young, single party guys up the block.
The silence in the house is deafening. I don’t know what to do with my free time. I’m glad to have it, but also miss you, the girls and the dog. After a bubble bath, I get worried. You are not as “obsessed” as me when it comes to safety. So I get dressed and walk up to the boys’ house. No one answers. The front door is unlocked and I walk in. There are papers and clothes piled up everywhere in the house. I walk some more. On the pool table are Josie and Ava, wearing only diapers now. Where are their shirts? Ava has the 8 ball in her hand. She holds it up to her mouth and slobbers all over it. Josie has a ball and chucks it off the table and onto the floor. The ball bounces off the hard wood floor.
You are in the next room, lying on someone’s bed, drinking and talking to Matt-the-Artist. Maggie lies next to you.
“Uh, Willey, I think I’ll take the girls home.”
“Why? Honey, just stay. Relax. Grab a beer.”
“Oh, thank you. But the girls need their baths, their books read to them…we need to get ready for dinner and then bed.”
You look at me adoringly.
“Ok. I’m going to finish my wine here. I’ll bring Maggie.”
I take the girls home. You come home shortly, and we eat dinner right after you tickle the girls silly.
Wake Up Calls
It starts as a whisper: a pain in the body, the nagging voice inside your head, a small “accident.”
And then it gets louder: the pain can’t be ignored, your boss talks to you, the accident incurs debt.
Looking back, you see the warning signs. But hindsight is always 20/20.
You can heed the call and attend to the real problem, or you can deal with the inevitable catastrophe.
Meet Fear with Courage, Love and Art
A few years ago, Josie and Ava were watching a Disney program. At 8 and 9, they were excited about a young, rising star named Christina Grimmie. Her love and talent of music fueled their desire to be musicians.
When Ms. Grimmie was shot to death, my daughters were devastated and in shock. Why? Why her? She was such a good person.
There is no answer to this question. We keep asking this question and there is no satisfactory answer.
On the heels of this tragedy, another one occurred: 50 people killed in Orlando. Innocent young lives were taken by an armed and mentally deranged person.My girls were very quiet. “I’m so….sad,” Ava said before she fell asleep.
Two weeks ago, our neighbor across the street murdered his wife with a gun. To my children, it seems like guns are everywhere. We live in Arizona…America…so they are. Guns are everywhere.
I don’t want my children to grow up fearful and angry.
I don’t want my children to be victims of terror or violence.
I don’t want my children to be disgusted with their world.
Ava had decided months ago that every Monday during summer vacation, she would play her violin for the Alzheimer residents at a nearby facility. As I drove her and Josie to the center today, I told them that every person can only control how they act in this world. “You two are influencing your world for the better. You are spreading love and music to lonely people and you help them be happy. I’m very proud of you.”
They nodded silently.
Sometimes, the only answer to senseless violence is the persevering action of kindness. Love will always prevail.
Father’s Day
Summer School. Day Five. 12 students. Ten more days left. Our days together are so few and there is so much to do.
Kids are like mirrors. I am always learning from them and they show me things about myself. They help me be better. Today, I was teaching them how to use Word: how to open it, type in it, save , change fonts, etc. We were making Father’s Day cards and the fact that one student’s father just went to jail was not lost on me. “If you prefer to write a card to your mother or grandparent, that’s fine.” She chose to make it for her father anyway.
“What if I need to write it in Spanish? My father can’t read English.”
(Taken aback): “How do you communicate with your dad then? How do you talk to each other?”
“We say, ‘How are you?’ and simple stuff like that.”
“OK, Type it in English and we will translate it to Spanish when you are all done.”
Several kids nodded and resumed typing. I continued walking around, helping, realizing the chasm within their families.
One student asks, “Mrs. Wipff, are you going to call Anthony “honey” too?”
Bossy
She took her daughter out of the store and turned to her. She bent down so they were face to face. “I want you to stop touching everything in the store and when you make something fall down, you need to pick. it. up.”
I smiled. Ah! Order had been restored in the universe!
This was such a refreshing scene to what is becoming more commonplace in restaurants and malls: parents busy on their phones while their children run and scream, hit each other or drum on tables with forks and knives.
My daughters have cell phones. I do regret purchasing iPhones for them. But we had purchased them a “dumb” phone (only good for making calls) and they never had it on them. Or, they wouldn’t turn it on. So much for emergencies! In any case, they love their new phones and we can always reach them. Problem: They’re on Instagram or Snapchat all the time. It’s summer break and they will (literally) be happy to lie on their bed and play on their phones for hours. They become sullen, lethargic and anti-social.
So I took their phones away. They have to hand them to me at 9:30pm and they don’t get them again until 5pm. In the meantime, they must make their beds, practice violin for at least 70 minutes each and do other chores. I’ve actually been called “strict,
“mean” and “bossy” for doing this. Really? 4 or 5 hours of complete freedom on their phones is being strict? I’m trying to teach them ethics – “work before pleasure.” Someone said, “Well, all the teenagers do this now.” This sentence reminds me of a comeback…something about everyone jumping off a bridge?
Balancing “control” and “freedom” is always a delicate issue when raising children. Giving them room to grow, letting them make mistakes and standing back as they learn from their mistakes is imperative! However, we are parents. We must not be afraid to do the right thing, which is limit the “bad stuff”. You don’t allow your kids to eat all the sugar they want, do you? Technology is the same thing. As they mature and demonstrate that they can put the phone down and do other things, I will ease up. But not yet.
Love and Fear
“What should I blog about tonight?”
“How much you love me,” Josie says.
“OK.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I will.”
She smiles with delight and surprise.
Try as I might, I cannot separate love from fear entirely. I love her, my first born. Knowing her has lit the dark corners of my soul forever. She laughs often. She is deeply sensitive to others and is quick to help…anyone. A friend recently texted me. She thanked me for raising such a generous daughter who offered to loan dresses to her friends for a dance. I had no idea.
And I fight the fear that clouds my love for her. Will she get college scholarships if she gets a “C” in math? Couldn’t she have practiced a wee bit more for her violin competition? Will boys taunt her sexually when she goes to high school? Will they touch her against her consent? Will she develop an eating disorder like the 20 million women in our country suffering from anorexia nervosa? On and on it goes. The remedy for this chain of anxiety? Be present. Admire how she paints her nails and reads her English book. She hops about the kitchen, looking for a snack. She jumps up and teases the dog, English book in hand.
Fear.
I fear the swimming pool filter ever since I opened it and found two small mice, spooning each other, dead.
I fear centipedes and the carpet in our guestroom sheds. When a filament comes loose and I’m not wearing my glasses, it looks just like a … CENTIPEDE!
But I’m not afraid of snakes and I’m not afraid of javelinas (collard peccary), despite the recent attack in Phoenix. I can overcome my fears. I CAN stop worrying over what has not happened and enjoy what is in front of me, right now.
Circuitously, I have offered my advice. Pay attention. Be present and kick fear to the curb.
East Palo Alto’s Potent Transformer
In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point.*
I interviewed the Vice Principal and Co-Founder of Eastside College Preparatory School today (Helen Kim). Trying to write a blog post about the interview in 20 minutes (which is all I have tonight!) would not begin to do her or her school justice. Not even close. But I will write about one very important aspect of her work with low-income students who are college-bound: growth mindset. One of the most critical factors for success in helping her students reach their monumental goals is to have them perform self-assessments and self-reflection. One of the questions they most pose of themselves regularly (each quarter, minimum) is: Do I have a growth mindset?
Asking this question is very powerful. Instead of believing success in certain areas are “fixed,” its premise is that through hard work and focus, one can achieve lofty goals. The question empowers the student.
Eastside College Preparatory School consistently and vigorously trains their students to love learning and to be resilient. THIS is the key to success! Of course, academic basics and content mastery are important, but without love of learning, one is apt to quit when the going gets rough. And believe me, the going is going to get rough.
In a world that seems to be going a bit loco, it is truly heartening to know there are people like Helen and her staff who work tirelessly, selflessly and energetically to help others in need.
*http://mindsetonline.com/whatisit/about/
A Good Day: Smeared Eyeliner
My friend Angie and I were talking about the quote, “Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.”
Angie: I don’t agree with that! I think I love life so much, that I don’t want to die! I don’t want it to end!
I know that is a lot of exclamation points. But my friend Angie is very passionate. And funny. She’s a teacher too, and she works in the room next to me. This is a recipe for a lot of giggling and nonsense. We laugh so hard that tears from my laughter make my eyeliner run. Anyway..back to the quote.
Me: (pensive)
I understand the quote. I understand that if we live in the present, moment to moment, and live it well, then we do not fear death. Why would we fear the inevitable? Because we haven’t finished everything we set out to do. We don’t want regrets. But I also understand what Angie is saying. We love our lives. We love our families, our jobs, the sun, the moon, Arizona monsoons, great movies, fine wine, kids’ laughter and funny sayings and really, really good food! Of course we’d miss that! Yet…
I think another buddhist philosophy can answer this:
“Walk through life unattached.” This sounds cold and boring, but it doesn’t mean to lack joy. It means, don’t be attached. Don’t hope and hope and get disappointed. Work for what you want and then…let go.
We’re too attached. We ought to enjoy the moment and let it go.
I’m not good at this. Yet.
Kismet 
