Fear (or terror) is the root of all anger.
Do you get angry often? Want to change but don’t know how? Try the five “whys.” Ramit Sethi recommends asking yourself “why” five times to get to the root of procrastination, but I think it can help identify all types of suffering.
When I drive, I get angry with drivers who are slow and get in my way.
Because I’m tired and I just want to get home.
Because my clients were terrible and I want to relax.
So I can feel good and forget about the day.
It was a hard day because I don’t feel good about how I handled one of my meetings. I’m afraid I didn’t seal the deal (or impress the boss, or look good to others, etc.)
Because I didn’t prepare well enough… I went to bed too late last night….I wasn’t at the top of my game…I don’t like my job…
By the fifth why, you usually get to the real root of the problem. It’s not the traffic, but your fears that drive your anger.
Painful events and relationships are lessons to us. Life is a persistent teacher and homework will keep coming until you’ve passed the test.
the good thing about the night
is that morning always comes
perhaps if you hug your nightmares
and laugh in their face
they will shrink back
in fear of you
It Is What It Is
I used to hate this saying. I often heard it after I complained about something. What kind of retort is that? It just made me angry. “It is what it is.”
When I was a kid, my home was toilet papered and egged. They wrote “chink” on the driveway. “This happens,” my father said as our family cleaned the mess up. The words stung, like alcohol on an open wound. How could he react in such a weak manner?
And yesterday, my daughter cried. A boy she considers to be a good friend made a racist joke about Asian eyes and dental floss. I was inflamed! But she sat – quiet and still and oh-so-wise, in the puddle of ignorance, stupidity and pain this boy caused. She said, “I want to talk to him and explain why it was hateful and hurtful. He will understand and never do it again. I know he’s a good kid.” As her mother, I could only see red. Someone broke my daughter’s heart and made her question this world (once more), just so he could get laughs.
And I knew. I knew the anger I felt was a false sense of power.Being angry makes you feel energized and ready to mobilize. But anger is fear on steroids.
“It is what it is” is not a rallying cry to be passive. It means,”what you see before you, IS.”
When I was undergoing surgery for breast cancer, these five words were embodied in the doctor’s confident hands, the nurses’ night time vigil and my family and friends’ constant support. This IS the situation and we’re taking care of it right now.
It’s about accepting that which you cannot change. If you can’t change it, your anger and defiance – your energy – are wasted. You continually generate negativity.
In fact, acceptance is the first step to proactivity. Once you accept reality (that which IS, that which you cannot change), you can use your energy and creativity to begin to make steps to exact change. A couple of wise friends of mine often say, “This, too, shall pass.” Everything is impermanent. Accept each season.
The Mosquito buzzes loudly
and gives you time to escape
the angry welts of last nights’ feast
evidenced upon your nape
negligent neighbors leave pools green
the larvae turn to pupa
The process is quite enthralling
tho it might cause The Zika
A solution is in order
but the slayer you so dread
is the Desert Bat Sonor’
whose winged path you dare not tread
*Mogee is Korean for mosquito
Bonus picture of my dog.
Dip your toe in the water.
Begin your quest carefully.
A few years ago, Josie and Ava were watching a Disney program. At 8 and 9, they were excited about a young, rising star named Christina Grimmie. Her love and talent of music fueled their desire to be musicians.
When Ms. Grimmie was shot to death, my daughters were devastated and in shock. Why? Why her? She was such a good person.
There is no answer to this question. We keep asking this question and there is no satisfactory answer.
On the heels of this tragedy, another one occurred: 50 people killed in Orlando. Innocent young lives were taken by an armed and mentally deranged person.My girls were very quiet. “I’m so….sad,” Ava said before she fell asleep.
Two weeks ago, our neighbor across the street murdered his wife with a gun. To my children, it seems like guns are everywhere. We live in Arizona…America…so they are. Guns are everywhere.
I don’t want my children to grow up fearful and angry.
I don’t want my children to be victims of terror or violence.
I don’t want my children to be disgusted with their world.
Ava had decided months ago that every Monday during summer vacation, she would play her violin for the Alzheimer residents at a nearby facility. As I drove her and Josie to the center today, I told them that every person can only control how they act in this world. “You two are influencing your world for the better. You are spreading love and music to lonely people and you help them be happy. I’m very proud of you.”
They nodded silently.
Sometimes, the only answer to senseless violence is the persevering action of kindness. Love will always prevail.