teenagers

Dear Ms.K., Thank You for Giving My Daughter Detention

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Dear Ms. K.,

I want to thank you for giving my daughter detention today. Per our previous email, you informed me that she has been late to your class every day for several days. This baffled me, as I drop her off an hour early and you are her first class of the day. After several warnings, you emailed me to let me know that should she be late again, she would get detention. I assured you she would not repeat that mistake.

But of course, I cannot guarantee the actions of anyone besides myself.

After confronting her, she hurriedly assured me she learned her lesson. She explained that she gets hungry and her friend meets her to bring her food. Her friend is not always so quick.

Oh, are we blaming our friend?

No, no. It’s not her fault. Mom, it won’t happen again!

I try to give my daughter freedom within strict guidelines. A  “C” in a class at any time means her cell phone gets confiscated until the grade goes up. How she operates within her hours and activities is up to her.

When I remind her to make time for breakfast in the mornings and to pack a snack, I am met with heavy sighs. She is too busy styling her hair and applying makeup to worry about breakfast.

So it happened again today. She didn’t eat breakfast. She got hungry and met her friend. She was late to your class. And, as you promised, she will now have to serve detention – one hour after school tomorrow.

In the car, she was shaken. She’s never had this kind of consequence from a teacher before.

“It’s my fault. I got hungry. I didn’t pack any snacks or eat breakfast. It’s my responsibility. I will pack food the night before.”

I wanted to lecture  her and reinforce the lesson. I wanted to voice my dismay and disappointment. Instead, I said, “I am very proud of you for taking responsibility for this and not blaming anyone.”

Thank you, Ms. K., for doing the right thing. You are helping my daughter develop character and responsibility.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your “Role” Vs. “Being”

You’re a parent and you want to do a good an excellent job. Afterall, what could be more important? I’ve learned (the hard way), that to be a good parent, you have to both DO and BE.

DO – remind your kids to brush their teeth, make their beds, do their homework, etc.

BE – sit with them and just listen. 100% listening, with your eyes and ears and your full attention. Laugh with them. Ask questions and know them as people. They are people, separate from you.

You have a job: protect, nurture, teach.

But then, let them go and love them for who they are.

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A “Fitting” End to the Day

Yesterday was a busy day. In addition to a full day at school, my daughters had an orchestra rehearsal which ran from 6:30 – 8:30pm an hour away from home. This requires planning of dinner, commute and homework.

Our two teenagers are more interested in snapping and editing selfies than looking out the window or talking to us, their parents. They read their instant messages and scroll Instragram. They laugh and trade one-liners that I don’t understand. I’m not privvy to their virtual world. When I try to understand and ask questions, I am met with sighs and sarcasm. I’ve learned how to adapt: I basically talk to myself every morning or sing to the radio as I drop one off to high school and take the other one to work/school.  At 13 and 14, my daughters are physically beautiful specimens – fortunate with the gene pool (1/2 Korean, 1/2 German-Scottish-French). They are blissfully ignorant of their luck in aesthetics and parents. Heck, they totally take it for granted. They take everything for granted.

I’m (nearly) 48. I take care of myself and exercise regularly. But my Morning Mirror Time is a fraction of theirs. I apply light makeup and give my hair a quick brush in a matter of 5 minutes. Literally. I just can’t be bothered. Yet, I consider myself above average in appearance. You can tell I was once very pretty, just by looking at me.

In any case, I’m a teacher and I dress for the job. I have a very comfortable dress, v-neck, that goes just below my knees. Here it is:

the-dress
It looks better on.

I bought it at a boutique shop near my house. The salesperson ooh’d and aah’d when I modeled it for her. I thought maybe I looked a little frumpy. No, she said, you look perfect. I have not had anyone ooh or aah in several years despite my augmentation following breast cancer surgery 6 years ago. Cancer gave me the chest of my dreams: from 34A to 34C.

Well, I wore this dress yesterday. All day. I’ve worn this dress at least 10 times before for various occasions. No one has complimented me, but that’s OK. I don’t need compliments. I’m almost 50 for Pete’s sake. I don’t dress for others, I dress for ME!

My daughters and I were eating dinner before their Phoenix Youth Symphony rehearsal. Food that I ordered by phone. Food that I ordered and picked up and brought to them, lovingly. As I got up to throw trash away, the 14 year old sighed heavily while eyeing my dress.

“What?” I looked to see if there were food stains on it.

Another sigh. Exceptionally heavy. “Mom, I just wish…I just wish you’d wear something….better.”

Suddenly, she gets all Tim Gunn on me. Really? I’ve worked all day with 90+ students. Attended an IEP meeting before school started. Ordered food with my bare hands…and now this?  I expect her to follow it with (in gay voice), “It doesn’t even work conceptually.”

“Why do you say this to me AFTER I’ve worn it all day?”

She looks up at her father who has just entered the room. As usual, she completely disregards my question, my feelings.

“What’s going on?” He asks.

“Mom’s dress.”

All three give me a hard look. Tim Gunn, Heidi Klum and Michael Kors, all are staring at me. Judging me. I feel bloated.

Tim speaks.

“Her dress, it looks like a Powerpoint.”

All concur.

I drive home. My hands, gripping the wheel, smell like Greek chicken and tzaziki sauce.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tim Gunn

 

A Banner Teen Day

My daughter gave me not one – but TWO – compliments today. Usually, she snottily asks me what happened to my hair, or why am I wearing “those ugly shoes,” or she offers to help me with my very sad eyebrows.

But today, she:

  1. asked to wear one of my shirts to school tomorrow (!) and
  2. asked me why I wear big shorts when I have such nice legs (!)

I know this appearance thing is a phase. I try to not get irked too much when I see her taking her 99th selfie or when she practices her smile and picture poses over and over again. But I worry when I see old men ogling at her at the grocery store. She’s fourteen! I want to scream at them. My friend does scream that at dirty old men who look at her step daughter that way. Maybe we all need to scream it.

Another friend of mine (who has been through numerous miscarriages and a stillbirth), told me she turned to her husband the other day and asked,

“Remember when I just worried about being pretty?”

I exercise every day. I used to workout in order to look good. Now, I do it to FEEL good. Having daughters, I am keenly aware that they are watching me. Telling them that being strong is one thing, but showing them is entirely another.

Sunday Funnies #3

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A Josie Wipff Creation    6/26/16

Whenever we are out and about, Josie will spot a hole-in-the-wall pseudo-Asian restaurant with a neon sign advertising “Teriyaki”. She inevitably exclaims, “Teriyaki, mom! Please? Let’s try that place?”  She loves teriyaki chicken so much, she once told me she had a dream that she was eating it and when she work up, she was smacking her lips.

The last time I relented, she said:

“Is there a place called Teriyaki? Because if there is, I’m SO going there.”

Bossy

She took her daughter out of the store and turned to her. She bent down so they were face to face. “I want you to stop touching everything in the store and when you make something fall down, you need to pick. it. up.”

I smiled. Ah! Order had been restored in the universe!

This was such a refreshing scene to what is becoming more commonplace in restaurants and malls: parents busy on their phones while their children run and scream,  hit each other or drum on tables with forks and knives.

ava note

My daughters have cell phones. I do regret purchasing iPhones for them. But we had purchased them a “dumb” phone (only good for making calls) and they never had it on them. Or, they wouldn’t turn it on. So much for emergencies! In any case, they love their new phones and we can always reach them. Problem: They’re on Instagram or Snapchat all the time. It’s summer break and they will (literally) be happy to lie on their bed and play on their phones for hours. They become sullen, lethargic and anti-social.

So I took their phones away. They have to hand them to me at 9:30pm and they don’t get them again until 5pm. In the meantime, they must make their beds, practice violin for at least 70 minutes each and do other chores. I’ve actually been called “strict,
“mean” and “bossy” for doing this. Really? 4 or 5 hours of complete freedom on their phones is being strict? I’m trying to teach them ethics – “work before pleasure.” Someone said, “Well, all the teenagers do this now.” This sentence reminds me of a comeback…something about everyone jumping off a bridge?

Balancing “control” and “freedom” is always a delicate issue when raising children. Giving them room to grow, letting them make mistakes and standing back as they learn from their mistakes is imperative! However, we are parents. We must not be afraid to do the right thing, which is limit the “bad stuff”. You don’t allow your kids to eat all the sugar they want, do you? Technology is the same thing. As they mature and demonstrate that they can put the phone down and do other things, I will ease up. But not yet.

 

 

 

 

The Girl and the Dress

My 14 year old daughter and I have been arguing. A lot. All this year.

She’s suddenly become that typical teenager who argues, whines and criticizes her mother for everything (“Why did you wear that, mom?”) while rolling her eyes.  I can live with this (sort of), but what has really gotten to me is how she takes everything for granted. She constantly asks to eat out. She wants new clothes. But when she changes out of them, they lay crumpled in the corner on in her bed. I have had family and friends look at me sideways as if to say You’re going to let her get away with that?   But I have had to choose my battles. Homework, violin practice, cleaning her room, getting out of the house at a decent time in the mornings – we have quarreled many times.

I have to admit, many afternoons, I am tired and she wears me out and I purchase food as snack or dinner, when I’d really rather not. I’m tired from working all day (90 kids/day) and I don’t want to cook that badly, either.

But today, when she asked me when we could buy her ANOTHER dress for a SECOND dance at school, I put my foot down.

“Josie, I’m not buying another dress. You have a savings account and you can use that money.”

“But mom! I need another dress that I can wear for the next recital and audition. I’d wear the new dress several times.” (whines)

“You have plenty of dresses. You CAN buy a new dress, you just have to pay for it and you have money.”

She thought and sulked for awhile in her room. Her younger sister has more money in savings and Josie has become competitive lately. She never used to care, but she has stopped withdrawing from it in recent months. The girls get cash gifts from grandparents and it goes into these accounts.

“I’m going to wash the baseboards to make some extra money,” she said.

I smiled. Inwardly.

Willey helped her get a bucket and rags. On her hands and knees, she started cleaning. I had to look away. I felt a little like the wicked stepmom with Cinderella. At the same time, I felt really good about it.

She washed half the baseboards and then abandoned it. I mentally noted I would not pay her more than $5. She worked for half an hour. That’s half the minimum wage. I refused to pay her guilt or inflated money.

She got on her bed with her cell phone. Half an hour passes.

“Mom, Megan is going to let me borrow one of her dresses.”

“OK. That’s great!”

“Yep.”

Cue: “The Dance”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFz7rZY_DDI