teens

Mirror

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Stage I: Messy Art Journaling

 

Hey there, preening girl!

“beauty” is destined to flee

“Real You” will remain

 

About this poem: as I age and raise teenage daughters, I realize the stage where I was distracted by the issue of physical appearance played a “hyped up” role in identity.  All that time and energy directed toward something I was really not in control of could have been invested in cello playing, writing or reading a good book.

I’m also keenly aware that I still care more than I would like to – I exercise now with the goal of building and keeping muscle/strength but aesthetics still has some play in my intentions.

Our culture idolizes the young, which is silly because being young is fleeting and not based on wisdom or experience. It’s just dumb luck.

 

 

 

Legacy

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Parakeet – Daily Painting Challenge (Animals, Day 5)

Sitting with my daughter “Bunny” by the pool

we talk about Kate Spade’s suicide and sadness we’ve never known

Bunny’s hair is fanned all over the pool deck, her clear eyes to the sky

Spade wrote a letter to her 13-year-old daughter

telling her it wasn’t her fault

my words ride the waves of the pool and get sucked into the filter

Looking at Bunny, the note seems an especially cruel gesture

In the distance, we can hear a woodpecker on aluminum siding

Maternal Meditation

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Day 20 of 31 Day Painting Challenge (Creativebug.com)

Motherhood To Dos:

change their diapers

anticipate their needs

hug and kiss through tears

teach them to be strong

 

allow them to feel pain

buy them clothes

(and school supplies and prom tickets and flowers for their first crush)

listen as they complain about school, frenemies and hormones

 

bite your tongue when they complain about you

And that’s why there’s an “Om” in “Mom”

 

 

Sleep

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Fatigue can lead to irritability…which can lead to arguments with others. It also hinders our ability to focus and feel good physically.

Interesting fact: “Sleep deprivation was a factor in some of the biggest disasters in recent history: the 1979 nuclear accident at Three Mile Island, the massive Exxon Valdez oil spill, the 1986 nuclear meltdown at Chernobyl, and others.” (WebMd)

Your sleeping habits affect everything you do. So consider getting a minimum of 7 hours of sleep every night!

 

Mean Girls

My 15-year-old daughter went to the bathroom at school today. She didn’t feel well. There was another girl in there – a waif with thin blond hair who looked like she was on meth.  The Daughter felt self-conscious, barfing into the toilet.  Outside her stall, the waif snickered. Suddenly, the lights went out. The door slammed shut.

Shrouded in darkness, she had to feel her way around to the light switch. Retching and bewildered, she cried. She’s still out there, waiting to see my reaction.

So when the tears stopped, she rinsed her face.

The waif was waiting. The Daughter walked out, head held high.

As she told me the story, she started to shake.

“Why did she do that, mom? She knew I was sick. She could have asked if I was OK and if I needed anything. Why would she do that? Why would she be so mean?”

I didn’t know what to say. Mean people have always existed, like cockroaches. They’re vile, but they must serve a purpose somehow.

“It wasn’t you. It was her. This was not personal, she didn’t even know you. She’s obviously very unhappy and wounded.” I hugged her and told I was sorry that it happened.

I was aware of several facts all at once:

  • that I wanted to exact revenge on The Waif;
  • that mean people will hurt my children and everyone I love many times over;
  • that we will never know why people do cruel things; and
  • that I have very little control over anything.

All we can do is be our best and be kind and provide love and comfort to each other.

And practice drawing octopodes.

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You Can’t Make Me

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From Kate Rawlings

You can’t make me wake up and prepare for the day,

through threats or rewards or anything you say.

You can’t make me study for the quiz or the test,

you can’t make me pay attention and do my best.

 

 

But you can nicely inquire about the songs I like,

or invite me out to to shop, see a movie or a hike.

Because building a union based on sincerity

will lead to a life full of jocularity

 

for you as well as for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pedal to the Metal

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photo by Samuele Errico Piccarini

We switched places at the gate

for my ultimate test of surrender

her smile and jokes betrayed her cool

take it slowly, speed limit’s 25 here

 

Am I OK?

Yes, you’re perfect

Still?

Yep, doing beautifully

 

As she drove (slowly, oh so slowly) to our cul-de-sac

I remembered my driver’s ed teacher

he was old (probably my age now) and balding

with two student drivers in the car with him

 

Emily T., tall, popular, blonde, took turns with me

She (with the perfect curls) could do no wrong

her mistakes were met with encouragement,

her proficiencies were met with praise

 

but me – with my glasses and foreign mien –

my errors were harshly judged,

and my victories gleaned silence

This injustice – as all maltreatments do – ripened into a gift

 

for his words and demeanor (and all the other abuses I’ve known)

created a wound

which turned into a scar

and thickened my skin

 

everyone knows thin skin bleeds easily

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ease Up

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photo by Clem Onojeghuo

I’ve mentioned a tense relationship between my daughter and me on this blog. It has gotten pretty distressing at times and when I decided to push my ego aside, I realized I had to surrender. Pestering was not working. I had reflected on my intention. Was my primary motive to help her be “successful” in life? Was hounding her to do homework and practice her violin most important? No. But that was what I was practicing.

I set my priorities clearly. First of all, she must know I love her unconditionally. Secondly, this is her life. I trust her with it. She knows what to do and if she doesn’t do it, she will have to face the consequences. That’s how she will grow. Throughout it all, I will love her, absolutely.

What I DO owe her is a happy mother. Every time I start to resort to my habit of nagging, I redirect my energies to what I want to do: plant lantana in the backyard (even in 100 degree heat), exercise, write, cook and so on.

Since I’ve put this practice in place, a magnificent event has occurred. We’ve become closer than ever. She wanted to get into shape. I took her to a fitness club. We signed her up for a four week membership (realizing there will be NO time for the gym once school starts). The club gave me a 2 week free pass. Organically…naturally…completely unplanned…I’ve become her trainer. We work out together and laugh and (sometimes) partake in junk food afterwards. There is ease and love where angst and friction once were. And if I ask her to do something, she does it. Most of the time. And that’s OK.

The intention came first. Space (a lot of it) came next. And then complete awareness and unconditional love.  I’d say this works for all relationships.