“I didn’t want to open in town, because in town, they got too many rules. Out here, we ain’t got no rules.”
Robert “Bilbo” Walker, Founder of Wonderlight City (a juke joint)*
If you build it, they will come. Just build it to your specifications.
*From Great Big Story
“Your partner is your mirror…to think your partner is anything but a mirror of you is painful. When you see him flawed in any way, you can be sure that that’s where your own flaw is. The flaw has to be in your thinking, because you’re the one projecting it.”
Byron Katie
Katie tells a story in A Thousand Names for Joy about the time she came home, excited to eat her snack which she carefully placed “on the top shelf, to the right” in her fridge. But it was gone! Her reaction: she chuckled. “If I had believed stressful thoughts such as he’s so inconsiderate! He knew it was mine…he ruined it all, then I would have been annoyed, resentful and even angry with him.” Instead, Katie laughed at her plan gone awry. She chose to not believe those destructive thoughts. “…It turns out, I bought it for him.”
My marriage is a very good one. My husband and I share plenty of laughs, but I can get into ruts where I am bothered by something he is doing (or not doing). We have four cars right now with only two drivers in the house (him and me). He can’t let go of his Alfa Romeo, which is beyond repair. I tried to think of what I could say to get him to get rid of it. I started to feel a bit resentful as I imagined an argument and then I stopped.
Just let it go. Do not fall for these thoughts! He’ll release it when he’s ready.
The thought continues to intrude…we have a car outside in the 114⁰F heat, because we have a three car garage and FOUR cars!
So what?
I decide to chuckle.
My husband is sentimental. He appreciates that car. He loves that car.
And I love him. I love this life.
Katie’s assertion that marriage is really your relationship with yourself is spot on.
Until I started studying spiritual philosophy, I had a narrow definition of suffering which encompassed mostly physical pain: headaches, cancer, childbirth, broken bones, etc.
But I have realized that suffering is really what we do to ourselves with our (negative) thinking. Anxiety is suffering. Depression is suffering. Guilt and regret are suffering. Worrying is suffering!
In the path to non-suffering, one essential practice (according to the Tao, Buddhists and other spiritual practitioners, such as Eckhart Tolle) is to refrain from resisting reality. For example, if you are planning an outdoor party and it rains as your guests arrive, you do not resist reality (the rain). Instead, you simply move the party indoors and continue your celebration. If you complain and cry out against the rain, will it stop? No. But you pollute the environment for those around you (family and friends) with your resistance.
I propose a concerted effort to watch one’s language in this pursuit: eliminate the words “I wish.”
“I wish it wasn’t so hot in Phoenix!” [forecast: 110°F today]
“I wish my children were better at (fill in the blank)”
“I wish my spouse/co-workers would…”
Wishing for something that is counter to reality is inviting misery, disappointment and anguish.
If you are suffering and you want the suffering to stop, it’s time to question your thinking.
– Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy
“Do not take anything personally.”
Don Miguel Ruiz, The Voice of Knowledge
Ruiz explains further, “Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
What a shame it is to take what others say personally. You cannot control what others say to you or about you. And they don’t even really know you. So why bother?
Elizabeth Gilbert, American Author
“Perfection is the death of all good things, perfection is the death of pleasure, it’s the death of productivity, it’s the death of efficiency, it’s the death of joy. Perfection is just a bludgeon that goes around murdering everything good. Somebody once said I was disingenuous for saying this, because surely I try to make my work as good as it can be. And that’s absolutely true — but there’s a really big difference between ‘as good as it can be’ and perfection.” – TED, September 2015
June 28, 1997 – We get married after a 2 ½ year courtship at the Frank Lloyd Wright Civic Center in Marin.
The first year of marriage is traditionally themed “Paper” and this is quite apropos as we work to zero your credit card debt. Most of our income goes to MasterCard and Visa. We also make payments to my college loans.
In what will become the beginning of a pattern, you help me recover from adversity. I am in a car accident right before the wedding which requires orthoscopic ACL reattachment of my left knee, but you are there for me.
Year 2 = Cotton – 1998 – We walk down Sanchez Street to the corner market, cook dinner, dance and enjoy life. Cotton symbolizes the intertwining and flexibility a couple has for each other. We learn to give and bend.
2000 – We buy our first house on Mt. Vernon. It has the original electrical from the 1920’s. I can’t toast bread and blow dry my hair at the same time, but it’s ours, all ours!
Theme: Fruits and Flowers 2001 – Four years of marital bliss! We take our first trip to Italy together to celebrate John’s 40th. [We drink lots of delicious “grape juice” and take in all the gorgeous flowers of Italy.]
2002 – Our beloved Josephine Choonja Wipff is born! Traditional Theme: Wood – Like the deep roots of an old oak tree. We are a strong family.
2003 – Ava Oksoon Wipff is born! Traditional Theme: Candy. Our life is definitely sweet.
2006 – moved to AZ, against your wishes. If a marriage has ups and downs, this is our “down.” But we get through it. Theme: Pottery and Willow – Our marriage continues to be the product of our choices and experiences, fired in the “oven of adversity.”
2007 – The girls begin violin lessons with Mrs. Lia Taylor, violin teacher extraordinaire. It’s the beginning of a beautiful relationship. You are starting to like – maybe love? – Arizona’s deserts, natural beauty and space.
2010 – I am diagnosed with breast cancer. We are scared. But we weigh the options. I want the cancer OUT! So I opt for a radical bilateral mastectomy. 13 years of marriage and the theme is lace – beautiful, yet strong.
2011 – Ivory – represents fidelity and purity. We have a good taste of the part “for worse” in a marriage by now. And we stick together, help each other through job layoffs and my six surgeries for breast reconstruction. I cry tears of joy (yes, joy!) as I drive to a class to complete my Master’s degree with drains hanging from my chest, under my shirt. I know I am so fortunate to have you…..the girls…this life.
2014 – Furniture is the theme for the 17th year of marriage. Furniture? We have plenty. We both have the uncanny talent for choosing furniture that is too large for our house.
2015 – Porcelain can be simple or complex. We are decidedly simple. We eschew extravagant spending and luxuries. Wrinkles and gray hair are starting to form…our memories are starting to fade. Fortunately, when you say, “Oh, there’s that actress…you know…from that one movie….with that one guy….” I look at the screen and and I completely understand you. See? We no longer need words.
2016 – Our 19th, baby! Bronze. A metal consisting of metal and tin, mixed together. It requires dedication to keep from corroding. Despite our longevity, we know marriage requires constant attention. We’re bronze with a patina of strength.
2017 – Platinum. Credit card companies and airlines afford you platinum status when you’ve created an exceptional track record of responsibility. Twenty years, my love. I look forward to at least twenty more.
“…you can be whatever you want to be because you are the artist and your life is your creation.”
Don Miguel Ruiz, The Voice of Knowledge
“If you clean up the lies you believe about yourself, the lies you believe about everybody else will change.”
Don Miguel Ruiz
The world is moving faster than ever. Impatience and tempers ablaze. Stress fortifies insomnia. Chaotic thoughts emanate from the computer, the phone, and your mind.
You must deliberately seek the quiet, the stillness, and nature.
Be silent. There is no place to be, but here.
Kismet 