I kiss my daughters and say this as they start their day. Make – not have – a good day. They complain about “the stress” at school and in life. They are (soon-to-be 13) and 14. Stress. It’s a choice. Honestly. They are still learning this. My parents grew up in a country that was a battlefield. Korean War civilians know actual lack of food, closed schools and physically/emotionally battered families.
And me? I walked to school many miles – uphill – both to and from! Ok. I didn’t.
It’s the closing of the year and there is a lot going on. People feel “stress.” Don’t buy into it. Ask yourself an empowering question:
How can you be better today than you were yesterday?
Less petty?
Less passive?
Less complaining?
Do it.
Being better every day is how you reach your goals. It’s how you make a happy life.
Tonight, our school, the Mesa Academy for Advanced Studies, will recognize award winners.
Students grades 4 – 8 will receive a plaque or a certificate or a trophy for Perfect Attendance, Honor Roll (GPA) and outstanding work in extracurricular activities.
It’s a night to publicly celebrate hard work and dedication.
Students who earn these awards do so because they push themselves consistently. They work hard every day and they reach their self-made goals because they want to do their best all the time. Some may do it for their parents or for the recognition. Others do it because seeing anything but an “A” on their report card means “all is well” or “I’m OK.”
Recognizing your hard work and appreciating excellent work is important.
However, ribbons, plaques and trophies are extrinsic motivators. Intrinsic rewards are the most powerful and enduring of all motivators. Do it because you love it. Some of our most famous and beloved actors* worked for decades before winning the other Academy Award:
Humphrey Bogart
Paul Newman
John Wayne
Judi Dench
Martin Scorsese
Morgan Freeman
Henry Fonda
Jessica Tandy
Before, during and after receiving their awards, they worked dutifully to perfect their craft.
If you haven’t read Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, you need to put it on your reading list as soon as possible.
In nine chapters, he illustrates and analyzes the factors for quirky successes as well as a few quirky disasters. One of the strong influences for some very interesting anomolies is the culture factor. For example, in the chapter “The Ethnic Theory of Plane Crashes,” he states: “Planes are safer when the least experienced pilot is flying because it means the second pilot isn’t going to be afraid to speak up.” One particularly frightening example Gladwell uses is that of Korean Airlines between 1988 and 1998. Their plane crash rate was 17 times higher than the U.S. In Korean culture, a subordinate (in this case, the first officer) plays a very passive role. This is not ideal in cases of inclement weather, mechanical failure or pilot fatigue. Only after a major revamping of their work culture, did KAL improve their safety status.
Continuing this analysis, I believe there is also a socioeconomic culture that keeps some people “down.” High SES kids are taught early to “speak up” and even question authority if they see fit. Low SES students generally do not question “experts” and do not feel they can ask questions in the classroom or the doctor’s office. Assertiveness is a skill that needs to be modeled and taught because a lack of it leads to apathy in health and wealth.
citation
Gladwell, Malcolm. Outliers: The Story of Success.
1st ed. New York: Little, Brown and Company, 2008.
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Try as I might, I cannot separate love from fear entirely. I love her, my first born. Knowing her has lit the dark corners of my soul forever. She laughs often. She is deeply sensitive to others and is quick to help…anyone. A friend recently texted me. She thanked me for raising such a generous daughter who offered to loan dresses to her friends for a dance. I had no idea.
And I fight the fear that clouds my love for her. Will she get college scholarships if she gets a “C” in math? Couldn’t she have practiced a wee bit more for her violin competition? Will boys taunt her sexually when she goes to high school? Will they touch her against her consent? Will she develop an eating disorder like the 20 million women in our country suffering from anorexia nervosa? On and on it goes. The remedy for this chain of anxiety? Be present. Admire how she paints her nails and reads her English book. She hops about the kitchen, looking for a snack. She jumps up and teases the dog, English book in hand.
Fear.
I fear the swimming pool filter ever since I opened it and found two small mice, spooning each other, dead.
I fear centipedes and the carpet in our guestroom sheds. When a filament comes loose and I’m not wearing my glasses, it looks just like a … CENTIPEDE!
“The Carpet”
But I’m not afraid of snakes and I’m not afraid of javelinas (collard peccary), despite the recent attack in Phoenix. I can overcome my fears. I CAN stop worrying over what has not happened and enjoy what is in front of me, right now.
Circuitously, I have offered my advice. Pay attention. Be present and kick fear to the curb.
In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point.*
I interviewed the Vice Principal and Co-Founder of Eastside College Preparatory School today (Helen Kim). Trying to write a blog post about the interview in 20 minutes (which is all I have tonight!) would not begin to do her or her school justice. Not even close. But I will write about one very important aspect of her work with low-income students who are college-bound: growth mindset. One of the most critical factors for success in helping her students reach their monumental goals is to have them perform self-assessments and self-reflection. One of the questions they most pose of themselves regularly (each quarter, minimum) is: Do I have a growth mindset?
Asking this question is very powerful. Instead of believing success in certain areas are “fixed,” its premise is that through hard work and focus, one can achieve lofty goals. The question empowers the student.
Eastside College Preparatory School consistently and vigorously trains their students to love learning and to be resilient. THIS is the key to success! Of course, academic basics and content mastery are important, but without love of learning, one is apt to quit when the going gets rough. And believe me, the going is going to get rough.
In a world that seems to be going a bit loco, it is truly heartening to know there are people like Helen and her staff who work tirelessly, selflessly and energetically to help others in need.
I admit it. I can get wrapped up in my worries and take it out on the people I love. I’m working on it. I really am. In the end, we will all go. What is the benefit of all those worries and petty comments then? They are a waste of time. When I go, I hope I leave some positivity in my wake. Maybe some of my students will like writing better than they used to, or have some fond memories of creating skits and plays. Maybe one or two of my students will learn to embrace the comma and use apostrophes properly.
My daughters – physical legacies of flesh and bone. I hope they will have joy in their hearts and spread kindness in the world and use their talents for the Greater Good.
With this blog, my goals are to either share information or inspiration or both. Writing and publishing every day is pushing me to be more creative and resourceful and to do it quickly.
I love reading about people like her: elderly but more active than ever. Our culture idolizes youth. We place our senior citizens in retirement homes in front of televisions and expect them to be passive. This is not what happens in other cultures. The Japanese hold their elderly citizens in high regard, looking to them for advice and co-habitating until death.
We talk about retirement and strive to retire early and comfortably. But look at the data: people who retire at 55 have shorter lifespans than those who retire at 65. Working cannot be underestimated. More than material possessions, humans desire feeling needed and effective.
“People who retire at 55 are 89% more likely to die in the 10 years after retirement than those who retire at 65.” (Web MD)*
Perhaps we ought to redirect our focus from retiring early to seeking fulfilling professions.
We like seeing art we have never seen before or art that takes something familiar and gives us surprise. This is Bloom’s Taxonomy on steroids. You create something off the charts. It’s YOU personified and it requires not caring so much what others think.
Examples of artists who take or have taken that risk: Joan Miro, Andy Kaufman, Tig Notaro, Prince, and Rory Scovel.
Whatever your occupation, work to differentiate. Create.
I received BOTH of these in the mail yesterday.
The truth is, advertisers are always gathering information on you. When you shop at Target, Walmart, online retail and the grocery store, they collect your data and then you get like-minded coupons and ads in the mail (real and virtual). Once in awhile, they go “phishing” and send you baby-related items. Why? Because it’s the biggest moneymaker in their business.
If you’re having a baby, you need all KINDS of items and new parents are generally too sleep-deprived to drive further for a good deal or to pay attention to reduced items. Also, if you’re running to the store to get diapers, you might as well stock up on wipes, ointments, formula and onesies because who knows when you’ll get out of the house again? Retailers know that once they have you in the store, they HAVE you.
“An act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result.” Dictionary.com
We don’t hesitate to put a portion of our income into investment vehicles because we have faith that making the sacrifice will pay off in the future.
We don’t hesitate to enroll our children in music or sports because we know that the payoff will be great.
We don’t hesitate to support our spouses by cooking healthy meals, lending an ear and giving words of encouragement.
But…
When it comes to paying tuition, taking the courses for a degree or going for that dream job, mothers tend to look at the cost to the family and consider it too “expensive.” They say, “Not now, it’s not the right time.” Moms often don’t look at it as investment for the self.
I was talking to a good friend of mine who told me about her “dream job.” This job is just one rung away. She’s hard-working, super smart and talented. She just needs to take a test and pass it. Taking the test costs a fee. “Well, I think I should wait until the job becomes vacant. Then I’ll take the test. I don’t know that it’s a wise use of money right now.”
What?
Have you ever heard a man say that?
Invest in yourself. It’s not selfish. It’s your obligation.
Kismet 