Went for a run again last night with William. It was much colder than it has been, but we didn’t back down. We also ran during sunset and not in the dark. It was beautiful and I was (am!) grateful for this connection with my husband and nature.
As we approach the new year, I’m reflecting on this past year. It was pretty awesome. One thing I’d like to have more of is outdoor time as a family: more hiking and less technology. (Technology is great, don’t get me wrong, but using it most of one’s waking hours is not necessary).
More information from Tony Robbins’ podcast with Esther Perel on Infidelity:
Infidelity is #1 reason for divorce in France, but not just because of cheating, but because the cheated believes their partner “fell in love with someone else.”
Perel asks her cheating clients if they suffered a loss recently, such as the death of a loved one. Sometimes people try to fill that loss. It has nothing to do with their partner.
People often do what they are allowed to do.
That’s worth repeating: People often do what they are ALLOWED to do!
If you find messages between your spouse and his/her lover, do not read all the messages. You will not be able to get them out of your head.
Some questions to ask when you find out your partner cheated:
How did this happen? Were you being safe? Why did this happen? Is there another child? Do I know this person? Is this person likely to come after us?
Don’t ever make decisions based on the affair. Do not think your entire life is destroyed. You will need a good therapist who can help you contain the situation in the first month or two.
What should people DO in this situation?
Change your story, change your life.
Is there any good in staying and working it out?
You need to ask yourself if you’ve given what the other needs.
We are willing to work really hard in business, in our work, but we expect our marriage to be easy.
Show up. Do the right thing, even if it’s hard. No one who does the right thing ever regrets it.
Stop being a pleaser.
Ask for what you want.
What if the worst day of your life became the best day of your life? (This is a Tony-ism)
What can we learn from this? What did we neglect? What were we complacent about?
You can’t change your partner. You can only change yourself.
Ask questions that will reveal information about your partner. Don’t ask sordid questions.
If you made mistakes in this relationship and you choose to move on, you will repeat your mistakes.
Your partner never belongs to you. We all have the option to renew.
If you want to purchase Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs, you can go here.
I’ve been listening to podcasts. Many podcasts. My favorites are Tony Robbins and Optimal Living Daily. Recently, I heard Esther Perel on Tony Robbins and it was mind-blowing! I learned so much. I’m in a healthy marriage, but I know a lot of people are not. I thought I’d share some interesting tidbits here. Perel, by the way, is a relationship expert. She’s been studying relationships for 35 years. Esther is the daughter of Holocaust survivors. She’s amazing and you can read more about her here.
The following information is from Tony’s podcast with Esther, Part II:
It’s our differences that create passion.
Triggers for affairs – Two main reasons:
feeling neglected, loneliness, sexual frustration, a deadness inside (bad marriages)
to feel “alive” – the absence of obligation and burden (good marriages). Not for sex, but for desire and aliveness.
People having affairs are not looking for another partner, but a new “self”
How to recover from an affair:
acknowledge the pain you created with the affair (remorse);
prove how much you want to stay – give back the value of your partner;
help your partner understand why you did it (a list of hotels is NOT the answer);
“Your partner is your mirror…to think your partner is anything but a mirror of you is painful. When you see him flawed in any way, you can be sure that that’s where your own flaw is. The flaw has to be in your thinking, because you’re the one projecting it.”
Byron Katie
Katie tells a story in A Thousand Names for Joy about the time she came home, excited to eat her snack which she carefully placed “on the top shelf, to the right” in her fridge. But it was gone! Her reaction: she chuckled. “If I had believed stressful thoughts such as he’s so inconsiderate! He knew it was mine…he ruined it all, then I would have been annoyed, resentful and even angry with him.” Instead, Katie laughed at her plan gone awry. She chose to not believe those destructive thoughts. “…It turns out, I bought it for him.”
My marriage is a very good one. My husband and I share plenty of laughs, but I can get into ruts where I am bothered by something he is doing (or not doing). We have four cars right now with only two drivers in the house (him and me). He can’t let go of his Alfa Romeo, which is beyond repair. I tried to think of what I could say to get him to get rid of it. I started to feel a bit resentful as I imagined an argument and then I stopped.
Just let it go. Do not fall for these thoughts! He’ll release it when he’s ready.
The thought continues to intrude…we have a car outside in the 114⁰F heat, because we have a three car garage and FOURcars!
So what?
I decide to chuckle.
My husband is sentimental. He appreciates that car. He loves that car.
And I love him. I love this life.
Katie’s assertion that marriage is really your relationship with yourself is spot on.
The first year of marriage is traditionally themed “Paper” and this is quite apropos as we work to zero your credit card debt. Most of our income goes to MasterCard and Visa. We also make payments to my college loans.
In what will become the beginning of a pattern, you help me recover from adversity. I am in a car accident right before the wedding which requires orthoscopic ACL reattachment of my left knee, but you are there for me.
Year 2 = Cotton – 1998 – We walk down Sanchez Street to the corner market, cook dinner, dance and enjoy life. Cotton symbolizes the intertwining and flexibility a couple has for each other. We learn to give and bend.
2000 – We buy our first house on Mt. Vernon. It has the original electrical from the 1920’s. I can’t toast bread and blow dry my hair at the same time, but it’s ours, all ours!
Theme: Fruits and Flowers 2001 – Four years of marital bliss! We take our first trip to Italy together to celebrate John’s 40th. [We drink lots of delicious “grape juice” and take in all the gorgeous flowers of Italy.]
2002 – Our beloved Josephine Choonja Wipff is born! Traditional Theme: Wood – Like the deep roots of an old oak tree. We are a strong family.
2003 – Ava Oksoon Wipff is born! Traditional Theme: Candy. Our life is definitely sweet.
2006 – moved to AZ, against your wishes. If a marriage has ups and downs, this is our “down.” But we get through it. Theme: Pottery and Willow – Our marriage continues to be the product of our choices and experiences, fired in the “oven of adversity.”
2007 – The girls begin violin lessons with Mrs. Lia Taylor, violin teacher extraordinaire. It’s the beginning of a beautiful relationship. You are starting to like – maybe love? – Arizona’s deserts, natural beauty and space.
2010 – I am diagnosed with breast cancer. We are scared. But we weigh the options. I want the cancer OUT! So I opt for a radical bilateral mastectomy. 13 years of marriage and the theme is lace – beautiful, yet strong.
2011 – Ivory – represents fidelity and purity. We have a good taste of the part “for worse” in a marriage by now. And we stick together, help each other through job layoffs and my six surgeries for breast reconstruction. I cry tears of joy (yes, joy!) as I drive to a class to complete my Master’s degree with drains hanging from my chest, under my shirt. I know I am so fortunate to have you…..the girls…this life.
2014 – Furniture is the theme for the 17th year of marriage. Furniture? We have plenty. We both have the uncanny talent for choosing furniture that is too large for our house.
2015 – Porcelain can be simple or complex. We are decidedly simple. We eschew extravagant spending and luxuries. Wrinkles and gray hair are starting to form…our memories are starting to fade. Fortunately, when you say, “Oh, there’s that actress…you know…from that one movie….with that one guy….” I look at the screen and and I completely understand you. See? We no longer need words.
2016 – Our 19th, baby! Bronze. A metal consisting of metal and tin, mixed together. It requires dedication to keep from corroding. Despite our longevity, we know marriage requires constant attention. We’re bronze with a patina of strength.
2017 – Platinum. Credit card companies and airlines afford you platinum status when you’ve created an exceptional track record of responsibility. Twenty years, my love. I look forward to at least twenty more.
I was getting uptight again. My husband cut his hair in the bathroom and left little bits of hair everywhere. Little bits of hair lined the tub, the counter top and some hairs made it into my contact lens case.
My frustration felt old and tired. I wanted a change.
The present moment. I’m in the present moment!I am here. But it’s not just being here that’s important. It’s enjoying the present. I decided to like what I see… the hairs belong to my husband. He left a mess. So what?
Life is a series of problems and messes. Living successfully means handling them mindfully. Getting upset over the same thing repeatedly is a waste of time. If you can’t change it, you can accept it and choose to see it differently.
It was 20 years ago that I said, “We should get married.” And you said, “Duh.”
Happy Anniversary.
– Homer Simpson/Bill Chung/Willey
I had my share of failed relationships before I met him. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had married any of the others I dated before he came along. It is not so much that those gentlemen were not “good enough,” but because I wasn’t evolved enough until I met William.
We met at a party. This is going to sound cheesy, but I promised myself – just hours before the party – that I would never put anyone before myself again.
Yes, this is intensely personal. But if my post can help just one person, then it’s worth it.
Our relationships with others can’t be good until we get straight with ourselves.
You should not seek a partner so that she or he can love you. You have to do that for yourself.
Kismet 