About this poem: Once in awhile, my oldest daughter will reveal her thoughts out of the blue and surprise us with her insight. Judging by her actions, she appears to be the stereotypical self-centered teenager – concerned about social engagements and image. However, the other day, she expressed concern that her sister’s friend does not engage or commit as fully as her sister does. Plagued by thoughts and concerns because she is so sensitive and observant, she will reach maximum capacity and have a panic attack.
The 15-year-old daughter says, “I want to start going to the gym.”
Incredulous, I ask, “Are you sure you want to go to the gym?”
“Well, I want the effects of going to the gym. Is there a pill out there that tastes like watermelon Jolly Rancher that will make me look like I work out?”
My 15-year-old daughter was describing her picture day at school session to me.
“The photographer had us put our feet on this tape for what must have been a ten-foot person. Then he told me to point my shoulders to one lamp, but look at the other lamp. And he yelled, Keep your back straight and look over here! I think he took a picture of my profile. ”
Happening now: six teenagers in our dining room, jamming on violins, viola, and cellos. They love playing together so much, that they arrange to meet weekly…driving almost one hour one way to each other’s houses. Proactive and unpaid.
Here they are during a concert in July:
Who says kids these days are just on their phones?
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s fear. Each day, you choose between love and fear.
One morning, Day 6 of our Walkout, one of my teenage daughters told me she was going out to breakfast with her boyfriend. She’d been out a lot that week: There were pre-prom activities, “The Prom,” and then post-prom outings.
As a recovering Tiger Mom, I’ve bitten my tongue when I want to ask about tell her to do her schoolwork. I’ve backed off (been over a year now), because I wanted to go from Tiger (ferocious and unforgiving) to Owl (wise and patient).
Since my own transformation, her grades have improved dramatically (4.1 GPA), she’s obtained her driving permit license, played violin at All-State and she’s noticeably happier.
But that morning, I voiced concern about her responsibilities. Inwardly, I judged her social calendar. She’s going out too much. She’s not working hard enough. How will she get a college scholarship?
Do you hear the fear?
Her smiling face turned dark. “I’m communicating to you my plans. Why do you want to pick a fight?”
And I answered confessed, “I am struggling inwardly. I know I should not say this. You know what? I trust that you know what you need to do and that you will do it.” Ah! Good catch!
And we were fine.
I chose love over fear.
People (who are “people” anyway?) might argue: “You are her parent. It’s your job to get on her about her responsibilities. You can’t let her run all over you like that.” But she’s not running all over me. She’s living her life. She is her own person and she knows what she’s doing. She’s not putting herself in danger. She’s not putting others in danger. I would say (and do) something if that was the case.
Too many Tiger Parents make the same mistakes over and over again. They communicate to their children that the outside is more important than the inside: grades, colleges and achievements are more important than knowing who you really are…more important than having fun with friends and learning how to navigate social waters. I’ve had several 5th and 6th grade students cry and tell me that they are receiving oppressive pressure at home.
Thus, I continue to choose love over fear. It’s challenging at times. Fear can look like caring, or “good parenting” or “discipline.” But it doesn’t feel quite right. Love always feels true.
Kismet 