mortality

Bank Your Account

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I’m a teacher with a limited income. (How’s that for redundant?)

I contribute to my retirement funds, pay my bills, pay for my daughters’ violins, symphony fees and lessons. After that, I don’t have much left. And I don’t feel like I can treat myself to a manicure or purse. I just put the little morsels in savings, paycheck after paycheck.

But I’ve been finding myself feeling a bit empty. Do you know how Stephen Covey says you need to be mindful of emotional bank accounts in your relationships? I believe this pertains to the relationship you have with yourself, as well.

I decided to invest in myself and I have not felt this good in a very long time. I’m taking a class. It’s not cheap. But I believe it will help me achieve a lot more than if I didn’t take it. I feel empowered. Invigorated. Optimistic.

It might take just a small visit to a cupcake shop. It might mean you check yourself into a local hotel for a night or two to have peace and quiet to work on your screenplay. Or maybe it’s time for you to pursue that degree you’ve always dreamed of. Only you know for sure what will make a deposit into your own emotional bank account. But do it. Do what it takes. It will not only raise your spirits, but it’ll raise the spirits of those you love and who love you.

Two days ago, a car was t-boned right in front of me. My daughter was with me, sitting in the front passenger seat. The car flipped and landed upside down just 8 feet from my car. When it was in the air, I thought it might land on us. It didn’t. I realized at that moment – life is really short and unpredictable. When you’re on your deathbed, will you have regrets? That would be the saddest thing of all. It’s up to you. What are you waiting for?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The 24 Hours Test

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My students do a timed-writing exercise every day. Most of the time, the prompt is student generated. One of the prompts they came up with:

“If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?”

Every single student imagined a day full of fun; reckless abandonment of any homework, tests and responsibilities. I’m sure adults would come up with something similar. Each student had a different definition of fun: a day at the beach, a day at Grandpa’s, or even just staying at home with family and their pet.

Sometimes a sense of urgency brings things in focus. What would you do? Who would you spend it with? Are you taking anyone for granted? Is there something you’re yearning to do?

How can you bring some of that to your day/week/month?

Perhaps you go to bed each night, thoroughly satisfied with how you spent your day. That is the ultimate goal, isn’t it?

 

 

 

 

Death as a Teacher

o0ta3hn-thc-jakub-kriz.jpgFor something that affects each of us without fail, the subject of death remains taboo in our culture. Why?

2016 was rife with “surprise” celebrity deaths: Rickman, Bowie, Prince, Fisher and so many more. It’s sad to lose people we admire and love.

Yet, death can be the best teacher. It reminds us that life is, in the end, pretty short. It can clarify values pretty quickly. Six and half years ago, I was told by my doctor that I had cancer. I was fortunate – it was early stage I breast cancer – and my prognosis was very good. But I was 41 and not expecting that diagnosis at all. My life got crystal clear: Family and friends were priority. I realized that my job – teaching – was something I truly valued and I was grateful for it.

As I walked out of the hospital to go home to recover from my radical mastectomy, the air was crisp, the sun shone brightly and I noticed practically every blade of grass of the hospital lawn. I felt so alive!

Realizing that we don’t have much time gives us urgency. Don’t waste a day complaining. Don’t be negative. Live in the light of positivity and gratitude. Work towards your dreams. You might not have much time.

 

 

 

Notice More

I just saw an old interview with Michael Landon. I was a HUGE fan of the Little House on the Prairie shows and I also liked Bonanza. When Landon died of cancer, the world was shocked. He announced his pancreatic cancer diagnosis and was dead less than three months later.

Something he said in his video keeps coming back to me. He said that knowing the end was near – with certainty – he “noticed” things more…about his loved ones and his life. I remember when I was diagnosed with breast cancer six years ago – although not any where as serious as Landon’s diagnosis – I was in shock and everything important in my life MAGNIFIED and irrelevant things fell to the wayside. In a way, I never felt more alive.

Since then, I’ve noticed things a little less again. I’ve gotten comfortable and I am aware of this digression.

My hope is that people will have this “awakening” long before a diagnosis. What is really important to you? WHO is important? Notice things more. Slow down.

Live like you’re going to die.

 

 

Your Fossilized Remains

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Ancient Insects Preserved in Amber *

 

Fossilized remains show us what living creatures were doing at time of death. We can learn from fossils: climate,  diet, relationships, social structures (even of insects).

Chances are, you won’t be an actual fossil. Unless you’re caught up in something really dramatic, sudden and devastating, like the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius in Pompeii (79 A.D.) However, you will leave a legacy. What will it be? Works of art? Enlightening music, film or novels?  Or a career of corruption? Maybe you will leave lives richer for your kindness?

My great, great, grandparents lived in Korea. Everything they did affected their children, which affected their children and so on until you have me. Here. In America. My father made the decision to not be like his father, who basically failed at fatherhood: gambled, left the family in debt, etc. My father chose to do the opposite. Because of his decisions and hard work, my siblings, mother, father and I are able to live in the Land of Opportunity.

Whatever you do, whatever you leave, it’s not permanent, but it does count.

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Pompeii victim plaster cast

 

Citations:

*http://blog.everythingdinosaur.co.uk/blog/_archives/2013/09/page/2

**http://tinyurl.com/hrmzu4d

 

 

 

 

What’s the Story?

 

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I admit it. I can get wrapped up in my worries and take it out on the people I love. I’m working on it. I really am. In the end, we will all go. What is the benefit of all those worries and petty comments then? They are a waste of time. When I go, I hope I leave some positivity in my wake. Maybe some of my students will like writing better than they used to, or have some fond memories of creating skits and plays. Maybe one or two of my students will learn to embrace the comma and use apostrophes properly.

My daughters – physical legacies of flesh and bone. I hope they will have joy in their hearts and spread kindness in the world and use their talents for the Greater Good.

With this blog, my goals are to either share information or inspiration or both. Writing and publishing every day is pushing me to be more creative and resourceful and to do it quickly.

Thank you for reading it.

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A Good Day: Smeared Eyeliner

My friend Angie and I were talking about the quote, “Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.”

Angie: I don’t agree with that! I think I love life so much, that I don’t want to die!  I don’t want it to end!

I know that is a lot of exclamation points. But my friend Angie is very passionate. And funny. She’s a teacher too, and she works in the room next to me. This is a recipe for a lot of giggling and nonsense. We laugh so hard that tears from my laughter make my eyeliner run. Anyway..back to the quote.

Me: (pensive)

I understand the quote. I understand that if we live in the present, moment to moment, and live it well, then we do not fear death. Why would we fear the inevitable? Because we haven’t finished everything we set out to do. We don’t want regrets.  But I also understand what Angie is saying. We love our lives. We love our families, our jobs, the sun, the moon, Arizona monsoons, great movies, fine wine, kids’ laughter and funny sayings and really, really good food! Of course we’d miss that! Yet…

I think another buddhist philosophy can answer this:

“Walk through life unattached.” This sounds cold and boring, but it doesn’t mean to lack joy. It means, don’t be attached. Don’t hope and hope and get disappointed. Work for what you want and then…let go.

 

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We’re too attached. We ought to enjoy the moment and let it go.

I’m not good at this. Yet.