cancer

The Chart

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My father is currently under hospice care as his advanced lung cancer progresses. I’m here with him and my mother. Many family members and friends have come to visit and to help. As his palliative care treatment ebbs and flows, I noticed that the emphasis has been on the med and not so much the symptom. Because my mom can get anxious and stressed when she’s sleep-deprived, alone with dad and he’s in pain, I created a chart I thought might be helpful.

His liver has been compromised, so we are trying to avoid any unnecessary drugs.

 

Body as Water

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Mrjn

I ran across this poem and it spoke to my heart:

 

Nearly

Idra Novey

When we slid out of the lane.

When my sleeve caught fire.

While we fought in the snow.

While the oncologist spoke.

Before the oil spilled.

Before your retina bled.

Beyond the kids at the curb.

Beyond the turn to the forest.

After the forest turned to ashes.

After you escorted my mother out.

As I led your father in.

As the dolphin swam the derelict canal.

While the cameras filmed it dying.

While the blackout continued.

When the plane dipped.

When the bank closed.

While the water.

While the water.

And we drank it.

Faithful

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Would you still love me if I was sick and dying?

Would you hold my hand all day in the hospital room while the world outside went on and on…buzzing with activity?

Would you comb my dirty hair and bring me clean underwear and ask the doctor when I am allowed to shower?

Would you give me words of love and comfort as my spirits start to wither?

Would you stay with me?

 

Interval

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Dulcey Lima

Spring – the jumping off time

of green buds and birds’ trill

of thriving and spreading

when souls vault with thrill

 

Summer – enlivened bustle

of limitless affection

of prime corporeality

when spirits rouge the complexion

 

Autumn – abated season

of settling gratitude

of tranquil sanctuary

when ego battles disquietude

 

Winter – gradual repose

of profound cogitation

of  placid acceptance

when the form meets salvation

 

 

 

 

A Cause for Celebration

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A Seattle storefront

I just turned 50 and everyone is asking me how it feels

“amazing, wonderful and miraculous!”

At 27, I got in a horrible car accident (I was on a scooter)

Had I entered the intersection seconds sooner, I would have died

 

 

At 34, I gave birth and almost died from blood clotting

 

I had breast cancer 8 years ago

now I’m cancer-free with a beautiful family and a job I love

 

My new (and just fired) financial advisor said,

“I won’t say your age out loud”

as if growing older is shameful

as if getting older is bad

 

Last night, a friend of mine told me

she has a friend who has three months to live (cancer spread)

that woman is a mother and in her thirties

to her, turning 50 would be a miracle

 

Turning 40…50…60…(70…and on)  is a miracle

It should be embraced (!)

 

Fearing aging is fearing life

Our culture is kind of sick in that way

The good news is,

we don’t have to buy into it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Death and Dying

When we think of our loved ones who have passed, we tend to get sad.

I invite you to look at “death” in a different way. It’s taboo in our culture to think of the passing of a loved one as anything but tragic, but Byron Katie says we are being self-centered and selfish (we, the survivors) when we think this way. 

View her video(s) here. 

One Fruit You Should Buy Organic

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Strawberries recently became #1 on the Dirty Dozen list. The Environmental Working Group puts out a list annually of the top fruits and vegetables contaminated with pesticides. For the third year in a row, strawberries topped the list. In fact, 1/3 of all strawberries (non-organic) tested positive for TEN or more pesticides! One sample had 22 pesticides.

I know organic foods are more expensive. Although I care very much about what I feed my family (especially as a breast cancer survivor), I can’t afford – nor do I want – to purchase all of my food organic. However, something like berries, with all the pits and divots, contains too much pesticide for my comfort.

If you’re wondering about #2, it’s spinach. It is advised that if you purchase non-organic spinach, you should soak it in water and baking soda for 15 minutes. Then you’re good to go!

 

 

 

The 101 South

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photo by Taste for Life

My daughters are participating in a summer violin camp for 9 days. It’s a 30 minute drive on the 202 West to the 101 South. I’m always on the 202, but haven’t had to drive the 101 South much. I don’t like it. Drivers speed and change lanes quickly. They all know where they’re going and they’ll ride up on you if you hesitate for even a second.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn’t sleep for over an hour. I was thinking of the 101. But this time, I remembered something.

Seven years ago, I had to take the 101 South to a high school twice a week, after work. I was completing my M.A, in Educational Leadership and I was in a night class. I had just been diagnosed with early stage I breast cancer and had a radical mastectomy. I was determined to finish the degree. So I drove to my class with tubes coming out of my chest. The tubes drained excess fluids where the tumors used to be. My chest was tightly bandaged and no one in my class knew what was underneath my shirt.

So my fear of this route was not so much the traffic, but old memories. The fear of infection, disfigurement, recurrent cancer… I had those thoughts during my drive. I mourned my life pre-cancer. Here is a post from that time.

My insomnia occurred on the seventh anniversary of my radical mastectomy.

Driving today, I felt much better. The apprehension was gone. Sometimes, just identifying the cause of one’s jitters and meeting it with compassion (not over-analysis or sentiment) can be enough to overcome it.